


Letters To Nowhere: Dear Fenris

by elluvias



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-12
Updated: 2011-09-12
Packaged: 2017-10-23 16:26:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/252406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elluvias/pseuds/elluvias
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The unsent letters of Sabriel Hawke to Fenris over the course of their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To My Love

_Dear Fenris,_

 __

Well off to a great start, writing you a letter that you can’t even read. Not that I…Maker, I’m buggering it all up again. It isn’t like you’ll ever read this, once you start reading better I mean. I’m likely going to burn this blasted thing, one quick spark of magic and poof this horribly embarrassing letter is gone. Still I have to tell something, even if it is only myself, these feelings.

I love you.

There, not hard to write out now is it? The problem is is that I get so horribly choked up when I’m around you. I can’t say the right things at all; corny little come ons that you’d find in any tavern whore worth their weight in salt. I should know. Still it’s there, in that rather foreboding ink.

I love you. I love the way your smiles are so rare but when they’re there they light up every feature on your face. I love the way you can express exactly what you’re thinking without using words, each movement of your body, the tilt of your head, the arch of your brown to the curve of your lips tells me in explicit detail exactly what you’re thinking.

I couldn’t read though, what you thought of my gift. I said it jokingly, as I tied my kerchief around your wrist, that you were my knight and that you needed my favor for luck. Though despite the lightness of my tone I…I meant it. You are my knight. I know that nothing, nothing, will ever take me because you’ll be there. You’ll keep me from grievous injury or captivity. Just as, I hope you know, I would destroy all of Thedas if it meant that it kept you safe and free.

I love you. It terrifies me and enthralls me all at once. I don’t know about Tevinter, but out here…out in the rest of the world mages cannot love. We’re not allowed to, or else templars will take them away or fear or fury. We never get to have it, grasp it, keep it as our own. My parents were rare, and I was taught, very young mind you, that no matter what I couldn’t fall in love. Love was as dangerous as it was beautiful.

I think that describes you aptly, dear heart, you are dangerous, wild, passionate and you consume me. You are beautiful, sleek lines of muscles, silver tattoos that excentuate every curve of your body. I wish to fall on my knees and worship you Fenris. I want to be yours, your mage, your lover, your friend.I know you can be gentle, just as I know you can be harsh, and I do not romanticize you Fenris. You are volatile, you are hard, and you are a deadly drug that I cannot get rid of.

I love you, and I wish so dearly I could taste your lips. Do they taste of wine? I imagine it sometimes, the firm press of your lips against mine, I know you would claim me. I would let you, I want you to claim me. I wonder if you’d like it, if I came to you, naked and had a bottle of wine, and the only way you could get it was if you drank it from me. Poured it on my body and licked it up with that wicked mouth of yours, hopefully it would intoxicate you as much as you intoxicate me with just your voice.

Maker if my voice was as lovely as yours I’d whisper things to you, whisper every filthy desire and fantasy I’ve ever had about you. I’ve thought about it a lot, we would share, I think, the power. Though I’d let you take as much as you want, and only take it back when you wanted me to. I trust you Fenris, more than I’ve ever trusted anyone else in my life. I thank the Maker each day, you know, that I was put on this earth because I got to meet you. I got to meet you and that has made everything, every pain I’ve suffered, every heartache, every joy, every fall, worth it because I met you.

I wish…I wish that you could feel for me too. But I am aware of the magic in my veins and I cannot change that. I won’t. But…I love you. I will always love you. So this is my declaration as well as my secret. Forgive me Maker, forgive me Fenris, for I have a coward’s heart and cannot bring these words to my lips, to tell them to you to get rejected. I wish…wishes are for dreamers and I think…I think I’m waking up. It’s alright though, love, because even when I wake I won’t forget that I love you, I won’t forget that I want you…and I won’t forget that I cannot have you.

Forever yours,

Sabriel Hawke


	2. To My Fate

_Dear Fenris,_

Another bloody letter, another bloody confession, another bloody page of words I can’t say to you. I know you’d be able to read this if you found it. I know you’d be able to read this, then go and shove your fist through my chest and crush my hear for being so presumptuous, for being so…Maker I hope you do that, it’d be far kinder now to do that then what you’ve done to me.

You don’t know, you didn’t realize what I step it was for me to reach out for you, to leap out and hope that you’d catch me. I still remember it, your lips on mine, the feel of your hands on me, gauntlets biting into my skin, making me bleed but I didn’t care love. I didn’t care because I was kissing you. I put you against the wall so you couldn’t escape, so you couldn’t run, and I could keep on being in Heaven forever.

I remember the dizziness as you stole my breath from me, first with your lips, then with your cock down my throat as you owned me. I asked for it, I begged to suck you off, to have you mark every inch of my skin as yours. I think you were surprised, that a human, a mage, perhaps even me wanted that. I remember after you came, swallowing your seed and licking my lips you grabbed me, throwing me down on the bed as you returned the favor, not letting up til I cried out and writhed for you, til I begged you to let me come. You made me your bitch, love, and at the time I loved it.

I loved it when you took me, hard, a little rough, but somehow I could pretend you loved me. That this roughness, this claiming, was how you were showing me you cared. I belonged to you, I gave myself to you, and you were showing me that you’d accepted.

Then…Maker you left. You left and while I made quips, to ease the tension it…Maker you’ve destroyed me love. You destroyed my heart and I…I’m just an empty shell of who I was, but I can’t pretend to be otherwise. I can’t sit down and cry, or even talk to the others. They’re our friends, both of ours, and I’d never put us in a situation where they might pick sides. But Maker I hurt, I hurt and it won’t stop.

I love you.

I hate you.

I hate that you’ve done this. I hate that I was a fool to even believe. Maker the first bloody rule, the first piece of romantic advice I was ever givne, the best was ‘don’t…they’re not like your mother, they’ll end up leaving’. Lo and behold it is right, he was bloody right, father always was. You left. You left and I’m in a bloody fit of despair that I don’t know how to get out of.

Is this even legible still? My hand’s shaking, and I don’t know if the ink is smudging now because of the tears.It’s okay to write that down. You’ll never know, you aren’t going to come into my bloody study and rummage through my things. You aren’t nosy like the others. These will stay safe in here, and I can write about how I wished you’d just killed me. How I’d rather you’d physically broken my heart rather than emotionally done it.

I never had friends before I came to Kirkwall. I’m a mage, an apostate and while I was charming and the villagers knew who I was. I didn’t form a lasting attachment to anyone, anything that wasn’t my flesh and blood or couldn’t communicate to the world that I’m a mage. I’d laid with people in Lothering, passing soldiers, merchants, even a few of the farm boys or milk maids. Most of them I asked for money. I never spoke of it, though I think sometimes Isabela knows. She and I have an understanding, and I mean I feel sort of dirty, but I can’t regret that I did it because the others would have starved if I hadn’t. They don’t know, they never did, I’d do anything for the people I love. I have so few to love that I can just…give them everything I have.

I would have given you everything love. At least everything that I am, or was. What I am now I doubt you’d want to have. Maker, is there a way to have told you that I’d stay with you, that I’d support you as you remembered. You don’t have to go through it alone, I wouldn’t have let you suffered alone.

You made the choice for us, love. You made it and I will…I will respect your wishes. I wish you’d respected mine. But wishes are for dreamers, and I don’t think I’m dreaming. I’m awake, and it hurts. I remember I love you, and sometimes it feels like this is a nightmare rather than life. It’s dark and it’s cold and now…now I really do know that I’m going to be alone.

Forever yours,

Sabriel Hawke


	3. To My Weight

Dear Fenris,

Why couldn’t you just leave it be? Why couldn’t you just leave me be? I would have been fine, perfectly fine with letting myself bleed out on the floor. I wanted to die. I wanted the Arishok to kill me, because if I was going to die, at least I was taking him out with me. When you offered me up, when you spoke of how I was Basalit-An, how I was worthy in the eyes of the Qun to fight him.

I thought you understood.

I thought you were being kind, giving me a way out, giving me what I wanted, what I craved. I’m so alone Fenris. I’m so utterly alone. Mother is gone. She is gone and it is my fault. I know it is, I can save a damn city, I seem to be able to save everyone except what I care about most. Then, when I touch them, when I love them, everything turns to ash.

I was giddy in the fight. I was happy, because when I died, when I went to the Void, I’d no longer have lifeless eyes staring up at me. Faces of my family twisted in pain, in agony and surprise right before they went. I would no longer have demons clawing at the edges of my dreams in the Fade. I would no longer have to watch you with Isabela, watch the tiny touches she gives you that you also give her in return.

I bite my tongue. I keep my words lodged in my throat and don’t blow up like I want to. I don’t set anything on fire, her or you. I take my fury, my rage, out on the fools who prowl the streets at night. I fall into frays with a rush of joy and giddiness, immerse myself in violence and pain, hoping one of them gets lucky. That one of them is strong enough to take me down. I breathe it in now, the pain and the blood. It’s the rhythm of my half dead heart.

I love it when they hurt me. When my skin is torn, my blood blooms to the surface like liquid gems, staining me outwardly as dirty as I am inside. The bruises given to me, settles the ache in my heart. When my bones break the sharp agony, the nausea, the burning, it washes away the lifeless beating of my heart, the broken shards of my feelings, and the gaping despair and loneliness ready to swallow me whole.

The Arishok was my way out. I could protect you, and be done with it. I could wipe my hands clean of this, because I would be dead.I would be dead and it would stop, and there might be some mourning but it would pass and life would go on.

Now I am alive, and I am still broken. I am still hurting, I am still remembering your touch. Now I have a noose around my neck, a collar invisible save to Meredith. She tugs on the leash and I must go, I must play and cater to her wishes, I must submit myself to her demands because I am her personal seerabas.

If I didn’t know how Anders would react, how he would burn the city and everyone inside it, I would go to the Gallows. I would submit myself to that torture, have the feathers of my wings pulled out, grounded forever in that dark stale prison. It is the only way, save death, that I know how to escape you. To lock myself in the Gallows and never come out, to be the templars’ pet. Be their toy, their bitch, perhaps they’d make me tranquil. Perhaps I want to be made tranquil to make it stop.

I dance to the tune of the people. I smile that happy smile, I say the joke they want to hear, charm them when they want it.

I want to take it off, this mask of happiness. This mask of strength and frivolity. I don’t want to be the leader anymore, I don’t want to deal with your shit, everyone’s shit. I want to be left alone, I want to be able to mourn, I want to be free of these chains binding me to this horrible life. I have never asked you to give up your pain, I have never asked you to pretend not to be hurt, to lie and say that you are fine. Why must you ask this of me? Why must everyone think that I am well when I’m not? Why must I have to hide it all, because when I let the mask slip just a little, when they see that something is not quite right…

It is ignored.

I am ignored, my pain, my feelings, they’re as meaningless as a slave’s. I am a slave to fate, to your whims, to this life I do not wish to have. My masters are cruel, they send me to battle and do not allow me my rest. They dangle their affection before me like a carrot, then I find I am somehow flawed, inconvenient, and I’m never given a reason why. You never told me the truth, that night. I know. I wish I could believe you had. I wish I could believe…in anything now.

It is killing me Fenris, this love for you is poisoning me. This pain, is dark and seething and eating away at my soul. There’s almost nothing left now. I am so tired Fenris. So very tired. When will you let me rest? When will you let me go? Can you hear it Fenris, my cry to be free? Yet it seems that all I ever am is under lock and key. I see your face, and I know, that even though I resent you, even though I’m learning to hate you, I would burn Thedas for you. I would go to war for you, to keep you safe and free.

Why must your freedom though, be at the cost of mine?

You are my strength. Yet you are my weakness.

And the most hurtful part is that I can’t truly hate you. I’m furious, I’m angry at myself for giving you this power. I resent what you have done to me. Yet, no matter how cruel you are, I do not think you’ve destroyed me intentionally. I love you Fenris, and…I still thank the Maker that you are here, that you are free and as happy as you can be.

Forever yours and never yours,

 

Sabriel Hawke


End file.
